I have spent the past few years growing as an individual, and went through so many changes hence the Phoenix symbol of rebirth above. I do not think I would be able to be the person I am today had I not took the time needed to truly get to know myself. My friends probably thought I was lame, and often wondered what I was doing when I would turn down their offers to go out on the town with them, but i knew that if i wanted to become the best person I could be, i really needed to take a look at my life, my views, my opinions, my habits, my thoughts, my theories, my ideas, my perceptions, etc. and determine what parts of me that i wanted to keep, what parts were to be part of my "past", what parts i wished for my future, and what parts i would abandon altogether.
My journey inwards began when i started working with at risk youth. Before this time, I had always thought i cared about myself, but i soon noticed that i did not hold myself in high regards, whether for myself or for others. Let me explain, at first, the changes i decided to make within myself were for all the wrong reasons. (Well not totally) I knew that if i was going to be the best role model for the children i was working with, i would have to learn to practice what i preached and take on somewhat of a "hero" type role. So rather than making the positive changes myself (i guess i didn't see myself as worth the effort, which i would later realize), i made the changes for the children i helped counsel. These children were very important to me, and i was able to see some of me in each of their stories. My heart went out to them, and there was nothing in this world that i wanted more than to see them become successful, be loved and love others, and go from a victim to a survivor.
I have never been one to be two faced or hold double standards so i knew that if i was going to be the best possible role model for these youth, they would have to trust, admire, and connect with me. I also knew that this would be completely impossible unless I practiced what preached and did not ask more from them than i was willing to do myself. For this reason, i always say that the children have helped me far more than i have ever helped them. There were many times, in fact, that i would start to confront them or address them on certain issues but would quickly put a foot in my mouth because I would realize...."wait a minute Kelli, you do that." then I would think to myself, if i don't want them to do these things, then maybe i shouldn't be doing them. I would then attempt to make the changes, and if my life improved or it seemed to help my life in some way, then i wouldn't have to feel guilty about addressing them for these same things. Another bonus to this method was i was able to explain to the youths that i used to do the same thing, how i tested the method and made changes, and give them specific examples of how my life had improved. I feel that many kids respected me because i remained on their level, never asking more of them than i was willing to do myself.
With these small changes, and some introspection on my behalf, i soon realized that the more i focused on myself, the better i was able to become. I feel like this was the main focus of all of my positive changes. This is when i stopped blaming things on prior experiences, my past, or anything else outside of myself. This was my key, introspection. At first i thought i needed to focus on others problems in order to help them, but i soon realized the best way to help them was to first focus inward, down to every last detail of who i was, why i was the way i was, my thoughts, why i thought the way i thought, my feelings, why i have those feelings, my opinions, passions, desires, morals, character traits, and reasons for all of those traits. The best way to explain it is i really had to think about thinking...i mean view things from my perspective, others perspectives, and from a third person perspective.
This meant that i not only had to think about and identify all these things about my life, who i was, my being, existence, and all the matter and energies surrounding me, but i also had to think about why i feel, think, and view things in the way that i do. This involved a ton of thinking, thinking about thinking, and then thinking some more, then doing all of these thinkings all over again, from all the different perspectives. Whew!!!
Talk about an exciting journey. My friends used to laugh, but i meant it when i said that I have spent the last four years dating myself. I think many of the problems between individuals, communication problems, and reasons for conflict and misunderstandings result from individuals being too concerned with others.. whether it be a concern for what others are doing, or dating or getting to know others, people are always spending their time concerned about others rather than focusing inwards first which would have the ability of creating much happier and healthier relationships and better understanding of everyone around you.
Some people could call it conceitedness, self centered or anything else of the sorts, and i think that so many people attribute focusing on ourselves as being a negative and selfish thing, when in fact it is the best thing that can happen to a person and the people who associate with them. Only when one focuses inwards are they then able to become centered and recognize how much we are all connected to and affect one another...not just one another, but every living piece of matter on this earth!
During the four years of dating myself, i have grown to be a confident, optimistic, self actualized, caring, compassionate, patient, and understanding person, one who i am very proud of and would never settle for anything less than the best. Although at times on my journey, it may have been a little lonely at times, it was well worth the effort because i have been able to become the "hero" in my own story, and better yet, i do not need anyone else to acknowledge that fact, nor do i need recognition from others because i know the amount of effort it took, and the courage and determination it took me to make the changes i have. It was not an easy path, there were many parts of me that i had to face, my shadow side, and even parts of my past that i was less than proud of, but i knew that pretending they weren't there would not change things, so i took the bull by the horns, faced it head on, and was able to move on. There was also many wonderful parts of myself that i had never acknowledged or noticed before which helped to build my self esteem.
I can honestly say that i am 100% me, all true and authentic and of my own making at this point in my life. All my thoughts, views, opinions, and theories are that of my own and i accept the fact that not everyone will agree with me; however, that is what makes us all unique right. That was a main problem in my life, the thing that kept me from becoming self actualized/realized, because i accepted what others told me, the status quo, and followed others ways instead for following what was true and real inside of myself. In order to find that part of me so that i was able to become authentic, i had to determine that every thought and view within me was of my own liking. This meant i had to identify and evaluate everything i have ever known. I had to decide if the things were conditioned in me from a young age, social norms, peer pressure, media influence, culture, or standards. Once i was able to identify the source of my thoughts, views, theories, opinions, then i had to educate, educate, educate myself on the topic, gaining the most amount of knowledge on the topic as possible from many different perspectives and sources, then i focused inward and followed my own heart so that i was able to find the "truth for me" on every topic i encountered.
Now its all comes second nature to me. I love to learn, i will be a lifelong learner. Every time i encounter a topic I'm not familiar with, i educate myself; however, i am more quickly able to come up with an opinion by trusting in my heart. There is no longer a need for so much layers of introspection because i have already went in that deep and focused on my core, now i can trust in that core energy (love) and allow the layers of me to determine my direction. Once one has focused inward and become the true and authentic self, they understand and accept others much better and more freely because they are able to realize the uniqueness in their own nature and relate it to the appreciation for others same uniqueness. No longer is there anything to prove, and a feeling of peace and contentment accompanies your every though and action because you are aware that every behavior is and outward reaction to what lies within you...the power of love, and all your actions are through good intentions and hopes for all that surrounds you. Your morals, ethics, character are 100% in check and everything you do, you do it with a clear conscious because you know it is based on good intentions and anyone who may question that fact doesn't bother you one bit because you have already proved it to your toughest critic......YOURSELF!!!!!!!
I hope that every person on this Earth, and beyond begins a journey inwards because the end result of ENLIGHTMENT is the most magical, blessed, and significant experience that one could ever experience. In fact, all of your worries just sort of seem to melt away and you are no longer focused on the past, or what you'll do in the future(causes of most stress), instead you are living "in the moment" which makes everything so much more beautiful. It is as if my senses are heightened, the colors are vivid, the air ever so refreshing, the grass between your toes feels like the most plush carpet, all the little creatures and earthly wonders are suddenly brought to the forefront, and it is as if you can talk to the elements of nature, the spirits of the dead, the you of your future, and feel completely embraced by the LOVE THAT SURROUNDS EVERYTHING that surrounds you.
Blessings for your journey!
Here is a link to my other blog that has many of the workings and writings that i did on my journey towards enlightment <3
http://lovemagicenlightment.blogspot.com/
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